moving day
This is not an either/or situation.
I do not want to pick one or the other.
There’s no between in which I am caught.
No internal tug of war, no conflict.
It’s not, “Should I stay or should I go?”
It’s, “I have to go, but I hate it.”
It’s not, “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood.”
It’s, “Let’s burn the fucking forest down.”
whenever i open my mouth these days, the sounds that come out are just coughs of attempts at politeness to keep others from feeling awkward. i used to be funny but now i’m barely even present. i’m lucky to have what i have, and even luckier that one of those things i have is the luxury of time i can spend dwelling too heavily on what’s coming. this is both as real and as fake as anything you’ll ever see; a performance as scripted as any reality show, and as honest as any stage play.
There is no reason for me to act (like this).
They’re taking it out of me, and I’m taking it out on you.
Their methods are my madness, and I’m stuck in a current toward a head.
I don’t want to tell too many people, but I can’t tell enough.
“Hey I know it’s been a while, just wanted to check in.”
“Okay enough of that, here’s my deal.”
You’re all mirrors, and I’m fucking shameless about it.
I’m a weasel, but as my friends you already knew that.
whenever i open my door these days, it’s to run for a little while and listen to my feet pounding with my heart as a reminder that i can still go. Just GO. to listen to music that’s too loud in my ears under a star that’s too hot on my face and a hat that’s too tight on my head. i’m lucky to have what i have, and even luckier that one of those things i have is an inexplicably fit body that i can use to get myself from Point A all the way around the path back to Point A. to go somewhere completely else even as i’m coming back. to stay and go, as i should.
Not being sure what forward looks like is making me look back.
I’m being overly dramatic unless it turns out I wasn’t dramatic enough.
I won’t be the same later, no matter what, but the key is in the degrees.
I’m being granted a chance here, in the act of taking one.
The truth is there WAS a yellow wood, too far back now to see.
I don’t regret the path I took, because it led me here.
I just wish I had taken a few more risks along the one I did.
I almost always played it safe, and maybe I’d be more alive now had I not.
whenever i open my eyes these days, i see people and things i used to dream of but never imagined; i used to want but never figured i deserved; i used to hope for but never believed would arrive. i’m lucky to have what i have, so embarrassed by these riches that i both can’t find the words even as i can’t shut up about them. and so it goes with what i’m losing, so it goes with the trip i’m taking, so it goes with the match i’m taking to the forest.
i’ll see you later, unless i don’t.
i’ll walk beside you, unless i can’t.
i’ll find you in the darkness, unless my darkness is empty but for me.
